Let me start with something positive, I had a very good night at work last night, really enjoyed the environment and the people, it was very low pressure and there was a lot of positive reinforcement so I think it is going to work, is it the job I am
going to have for the rest of my life, no but it is a start and a start that I really think I can do well with. On another note let me get to what this whole piece is about, my beloved dog Shrek. Shrek is a fourteen year old boston terrier who
is now almost completely blind, he has been walking into more and more walls lately and he has been moving a lot slower. I rescued Shrek five years ago and at the time he was pretty volatile and vicious, but over the past five years he has become the
most wonderful and loving dog you could ever hope to meet, really nothing more than a big teddy bear who likes to be held and cuddled. When I got sick Shrek sat with me, laid with me and forgave me over and over again for everything, when I couldn't
get off of the couch or out from under the blankets he would curl up in a ball at my legs breathing deep and keeping me warm, letting me know that I was not alone. I love this dog more than I have ever loved any animal, he is absolutely amazing.
This makes recent developments even more difficult to deal with, Shrek is not doing well, he is breathing even heavier than usual at night, he is having a hard time on our walks, I have already cut the walks in half and even with the reduced distance I have
had to carry him the last stretch of the way home but I can't bring myself to go on the walk without him because he loves them, he loves getting out in the air and feeling the sun. The past couple of days he has gotten worse and worse and this morning
he is not doing well, he keeps going off to be by himself, struggling to make it up the stairs to lay down in solitude, I am not comfortable with this so I go up and get him and bring him down to sit and lay with me and he just shakes, he won't eat this morning
either and that is really unlike him. I don't know how I am going to handle it when he is gone, he is just a beautiful being, so full of love. My heart is breaking. This is just the worst possible time for him to think about leaving, and
I know how selfish that sounds but I am just not in the right place for him to go and I know that tomorrow I am going to hear the word that my father's cancer has returned and that is just going to be another weight tied around my ankles trying to pull me
back beneath the water just when I am finally able to breathe in the air again. I am hopeful that it is just a cold or something like that with Shrek, I am hopeful, I will not give up on him because he didn't give up on me, but it is not easy, he means
so much to me.
So I went yesterday and filled out all of my paperwork and did my orientation at my new job and I have two days on the schedule this week, I will have a lot more in the weeks to come but they are going to ease me into it which is good, the last job
was just really overwhelming right off the bat. I am going for longevity here, I want this to work out and I am going to work on being happy and living in the moment. We set the clocks ahead last night and for me that is a remarkable development
because it is one step closer to spring and further away from the worst winter I have ever experienced, both weather wise and emotionally. Both of my kids have been sick with the stomach flu since thrursday and I have been fighting it off. The
great thing about graviola and master tonic is it boosts your immune system so you don't get the flu full blown, but what happens is you do get it to some extent, I feel very run down and nauseous and my nose was just running non stop for two days with a sore
throat but I never threw up or anything like that so that is a good thing. I took Eben to the movies last night, we went and saw 300: Rise of an Empire, it was awesome, crazy visuals and amazing action, Eben really liked it, is it geared towards kids?
Not in the least, but he's eleven and when I was his age I was watching slasher flicks, this movie is so overstylized that there is not even a hint of realism to it so I had no problem bringing him and its fun to hang out with him and experience cinema like
that. It is getting steadily warmer here now, there is oonly one day in the next ten days that is supposed to be below thirty and for that I am remarkably thankful, I just want to feel good, I feel a lot less paranoid when I can get outside and now knowing
that I am going to start working this week I feel even better. The season finale of True Detective is on tonight, if you have not been watching this amazing show you should binge watch it, it is to say the least an excellent show. Nichole has been
doing the cooking the past couple of days and she has made a couple of really amazing dinners, we had this awesome soup on friday night with a bunch of different types of mushrooms, oyster, shitake, straw, and I just couldn't get enough and then last night
she made impinadas and they were really good, I believe tonight she is making pad thai so I am really looking forward to that. Thats all for now.
So when something happens to you like what happened to me, when your whole life falls apart, you can choose to look at it one way or the other. The first way you can look at it is how I looked at it for a long time, as an ending, as a sign that
hope is lost and you're just going to be miserable forever. I was stuck in this situation for a while, 2011 and 2012 were the two worst years of my life, 2010 was pretty bad too but really it was 2011 and 2012. But something happened in 2013 and
I made a choice, I made the choice to stop looking at things as an ending and to start looking at them as a beginning. It is not an easy choice to make and I don't fault anyone that has a hard time making the same decision as I did, again I was in the
opposite mode for the longest time and it really felt like I was never going to get out of it. I am looking toawrds the long term now, I am looking towards the idea of living a life that is rich and full and open to promise and development. The
best decision I ever made was to stop taking medication, to stop treating symptoms and to start addressing the issues that were causing the symptoms, it was not an easy thing to do at all, like most of us I was brought up to believe that you should trust the
judgement of your doctors and that medicine will heal you and make you better. Yes, there are some trustworthy doctos out there, I am lucky to know four of them, but there are some really bad doctors out there as well, unfortunately I stumbled
onto one of them blindly and took his advice nearly to my grave. Modern medicine does have its purposes, and there are situation where certain things are necessary, I will not argue that, but there are some truly deadly and dengerous medications out
there as well and they are all too easily obtained. The second best decision I made was to adopt a vegan diet, I have had numerous people ask me if it was easy or hard to do, to be honest it was not difficult for me in the least but my situation was
extreme and I was in the middle of making dramatic choices to completely alter the path that I was on. Within 6 months, I quit smoking, taking seven different medications, quit drinking and completely changed the way I ate as well as began to exercise,
so in the grand scheme of things it was not difficult for me, it was just another much needed positive development, but not everyone might find it to be as easy as I did, but I will say that it is more than worth it, as of today I am down 103 pounds and my
health is completely different from what it was a year ago, my mindset is completely different from what it was a year ago, I am two months shy of being 1 year a vegan and I will never go back to eating animal products. Do I miss cheese? Yes, but
there are lots of things that are bad for me that I miss but in life you have to make choices and that is exactly what I have done. I am finally able to be proud of myself, I finally have accomplishments to talk about and I finally have a hope
for the future. I am so thankful that so many of you are sharing this experience wih me, when I started this blog I averaged about three hundred people a week, I am now up to two thousand, granted some of those are repeat visits but the numbers are great,
I am so thankful that you stuck with me through the darkness and now you can ride into the light with me.
Sorry I haven't written in a couple of days, I started working on wednesday and it has been a bit overwhelming, as much as I am in good shape now I have been sitting around for three years so to jump back into it full blast has been somewhat of a shcok
to the system. I have to report that I am changing jobs already, I have been offered a better job and I have another interview on Monday for a management position that I am interested in and I have to make sure that I am making the right choices now.
I am going to work at the restaurant tomorrow morning for the last time and at the end of my shift I am just going to let them know that it is not the right fit for me. I forgot how difficult it can be to work in restaurants, there is so much drama,
so much negative energy, and the pace can be relentless and monotonous, not to mention I have a very difficult time cooking food that is unhealthy and this food is the most unhealthy food I have ever cooked in my life. Its an exciting time for me now
and I am feeling pretty good, I talked to my dad last night and he is in the middle of another health scare so that is a little unnerving but I am just trying to stay focused on moving forward. I am starting my life over right now, it is an extraordinary
opportunity and I have to do it right. The first couple of days were really rough because it was such a shock to be back full blast and to be back in such an uncomfortable environment made it even worse. But when I found out yesterday that I got
this other job I was through the roof with excitement. Today just after filling out the paperwork at my new job I found out that I had another interview, there are two open positions, one of them is management, I will only take it if I get the management
position because the job I just signed on for is a good opportunity as well. I just feel a lot better though being active again. I will be back tomorrow, probably not until later in the day but I appreciate you sticking with me.
Amazing what a difference a few days and a positive development makes, I am a different person thiis week than I was last week, I am beginning to once again feel a sense of purpose. I have to go fill out paperwork this afternoon so I can start
my new job later in the week and it just feels so good to be back in the real world and it is going to feel even better when it actually begins on wednesday. I am listening to Kid A at the moment, the song Everything In Its Right Place is blasting into
my ears and making me feel good, I have a real connection to this album, I used to listen to it non stop the last year I lived in Keene and whenever I hear it I am reminded of how much better my life is now than it was then so it is interesting in that it
is not exactly the most upbeat album but it brings about an upbeat and progressive feeling inside of me when I listen to it. I have slept better the past few nights knowing that the world is going to begin again for me now, I have enjoyed my down time
a little more and I have been able to relax and breathe a bit more than I had been able to for a while. I am beginning to take pride in my accomplishments again, I have beaten a horrible drug habit, I have given up alcohol for over a year now, I quite
smoking over a year ago, I adopted a completely new style of healthcare, I adopted a completely new style of eating and as of today I can officially say that I have lost 100 pounds in a year, actually 101 but I think I am going to stop counting now, or at
least I am going to try and stop counting. I was happy the other day too because I got a call from my father and he went out of his way to tell me that he was happy I was going back to work and it made me feel good about myself again. That is something
I do need to work on still, not trying to live for the praise of other but really just living for myself, being happy with my own accomplishments without the input of others, it is a gargantuan task for me but it is one that I believe I am up for. There
are only 24 days until the official start of spring now and it cannot come soon enough, though to be honest the winter doesn't seem quite as oppressive to me now that I have left behind the stress of trying to get my foot in the door of starting over.
I heard from two very important people in my overall lifestory last week, one of them is my great friend Justin, I hadn't heard from him since august when he came to visit. He has given me nothing but guidance and support over the past few years and
I wrote to him about a week ago to tell him that I had really thought about all that we talked about in august and to tell him about the progress I had made and he was very supportive and it is just remarkable to have a friend like him, I consider mself to
be very lucky. The other person was my friend Mark, I hadn't heard from him for close to ten years, he is a great guy, and we had just lost touch. He called me on Friday and it was like we hadn't missed a beat, I am going to call him tomorrow and
speak with him further. He is the first person I ever saw New York City with, and in a twist of fate with the album I am listening to right now he played this CD in the car as we drove up the highway and the city appeared on the skyline, it was incredible.
I am so glad to be back in touch with him. I am very lucky to have the support of so many people, such a great group of friends, I have never really understood what people find appealing about me but I have had a very strong group of friends for a very
long time and for that I am thankful. I am going to go now, hopefully I will be back later in the day.
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