Blizzard 1/27/15

Its been five days since I have had time to write here and for that I apologize but my life has become very hectic, in a very good way, since I have gone back to work.  It is a blizzard here today and I lucked out and managed to switch a shift around so I would not have to drive in it this morning, it's a good thing to because it is a very bad storm, heavy winds and lots and lots of snow.  I just went out and shoveled for forty five minutes but instead of worrying about and getting angry about the cold and the win I followed the words and advice of Thic Nhat Hanh and lost myself in the beauty of the moment, yes the wind was gusting but it sounded beautiful and muffled out the rest of the sound in the world allowing me to lose myself in the solitude of the moment, the world looked beautiful as well, dreamlike, drenched in a blanket of pure white snow and it seemed almost magical to turn around and see the patch I had just shoveled return to bed beneath the snow.  I found great peace in that moment, I found great peace and it allowed me to power through the cold and soak in the relaxation.

     School was canceled for Nichole and the kids today so I get to enjoy some more time with them, its a fun sort of way to spend a day, unexpectedly not having to go anywhere and really not able to go anywhere, just lounging around and doing our best to enjoy each other's company.  I remember the excitement of a snow day when I was a kid and its pretty cool to see my kids experience it.

     I have to take just abrief moment to vent about something that has really been bothering me because I feel like if I write it down and put it here I can let it go.  A little over a month ago one of my teachers from my early days died.  I will not give his name or how he died as that would not be appropriate, but I was really upset when he died because suddenly everyone was talking about the man as if he were a saint and an inspiration.  This was not my experience with thiis man, he went out of his way to be cruel to me, humiliating me repeatedly in the lunchroom in front of my classmates who already tormented me about my weight, telling me over and over how I was nowhere near the student that my sister was and not nearly as smart as her, telling me that I had no chance in high school, just horrific stuff.  I read all of these tributes to this man and fumed and steamed and the buddhist in me did every thing he could to just stay in the moment and let it go, and I managed to not say anything, anywhere that would allow my anger tto have won.  Last week I read an article that was written about this man, just out of the blue it appeared in my timeline and I clicked on it and read it and learned that his actions had finally caught up with him at his last job, the article stated that he had been fired from his last job for remarks he had made to a student of his in regards to her weight, of course he had denied it and said she misinterpreted it, my heart aches for her, but karma had finally come around.  I feel peace now and I am sorry to put such anger here but I felt I needed to get it out.

     I hope you are all safe and warm today.

 

always hope

always peace

always love

I am in a good place, I am at peace, I am in the moment.  I love where I am at right now, every day I challenge myself more but I also don't worry as much about the future, I would love to say that I don't think about the future at all, worry about it, but that would be a lie and this is a place for honesty.  I am only getting better at my new job, it is an excessive amount of work, cooking, washing my pots, cooking more, putting orders away, serving, short order cooking, washing more pots, cooking more, but it is worth it because it is very rewarding in all the right ways.  I am getting a lot of positive feedback and choosing to listen and work with any negative feed back instead of obsessing over it in my head and freaking out about it.  I have been cooking some great food, making some great soups and sauces and vegetables and meeting some great and talented people and it just feels good to be in a place where I can take pride in what I do and do it well.

     I do have to say that I am exhausted though, its not an easy transition to go from a place where I actually had time to stand around and often found myself bored and upset because there was nothing for me to do, to a place where I barely have time to breathe, I actually have to stay late to get a break, I know that sounds foolish but its the only way it works, I get there at 430 am and I don't sit down or stop until 1230, its nuts but it feels good to be tired like this.  I have to make some seitan this weekend so I can actually eat well again, I have been eating really poorly, still vegan mind you, but just simple things, toast in the morning and then a peanut butter sandwich at lunch, no vegetables until dinner and then I stuff myself until I feel like I'm going to explode.  Things are starting to calm down though, I am starting to get the hang of my time so next week I plan to focus on taking better care of mself, I have two days to go in this week and then I have sunday and monday off and I can't wait.

     I hope you are all at peace, I hope you are all in a place that you enjoy.  Always remember, hard work and a positive attitude do pay off, I am tired and beaten today but it is a great feeling of success, any of you reading this who are broken and downtrodden, look inside of yourself and find that place that lets you know you are going to be okay and embrace it, yes you will break down and cry and kick yourself and wish it was all just over, but if you keep going, if you keep pushing and breathing you will get through and get back on your feet and find peace.  I believe in you, you just need to believe in yourself.

 

always hope

always peace

always love

Life just keeps getting better and better.  I had yesterday and today off and I feel very rested and ready to kick it into overdrive this week.  I just spent an hour getting my recipes together for the week, I will be making some popovers and quiches as well as some vegetable souffles, I am going to really try and knock it out of the park this week and after the phenomenal day I had on saturday my confidence is at an all time higgh.  I am also in a very good place emotionally, I don't really feel any anxiety at the moment, and it has really been contained the past few days as well, I had a couple of minor episodes but I worked right through them.  I am happy about so many things at the moment.  My daughter is finding herself in a good place, she sort of grew away from her best friend and she doesn't have the easiest time making new friends so she was upset and confused for a while but she has really developed a great friendship with this new girl who she had sleep over last night and that puts my mind at ease because my daughter is very much like me and has a hard time processing her emotions.  I have been much more relaxed at home lately as well, not snappin as easily and I think a lot of that has to do with the fact that I am no longer worried about finding a job with more hours and I am confident that my life is back on track, I was very worried for a very long time about this and it was really beginning to weigh on me a great deal and frustrate me because I wasn't quite where I wanted to be and it always seemed like it was out of my grasp and that was just pissing me off.  It just seemed so great to have a weekend day off that I could spend with my wife and kids and to have a holiday off with them as well is just a great feeling.  I just like being back in a position where I can hold my head high and feel pride in the work that I am doing and that allows me to engage my passion for healthy cooking and interaction with people.  I hope you are all feeling as good as I am and I will write again soon.

 

always hope

always peace

always love

  It has been an exhausting but extremely rewarding week, extended cut I would call it as I just did 8 days in a row, 5 of them between 9 1/2 and 10 hours each, but it was incredible, frustrating at first, as it often can be in a new job because you dont instantly meet the extreme standards you set for yourself in the situation but by then end of the week I was flying high.  I made some great food this week, I made a peanut stew yesterday that went over very well, the facility director came down to tell me personally that if it wasn't in poor taste to do so he would have licked his plate clean, I made a beef stew today that severel people told me was great, I have been incorporating fresh herbs and spices, a lot of ginger and turmeric as they both possess really great healing qualities.  I have been incorporating all the knowled I have been working to gain over the past year in regards to making food taste as good as possible and be as nutritious as possible.

     I have impressed myself this week, I have to short order cook in the morning on the worlds smallest grill, I get to come up with all of the specials, I made banana pancakes yesterday that people went nuts for, and this week coming up is only going to get better as I am really going to be making some changes in regards to the salads and vegetable, we will hopefully land our new contract either this week or next and then things will really start to change.  Today I finished strong, I got everything done early, everything, and not only did I get it done early, but I got it done properly, and there is a lot to do.

     I am feeling strong today, of both body and mind, though I am tired I am tired for all the right reason, I used every aspect of myself this week and threw myself so far into my work that it really paid off in a big way.

 

always hope

always peace

always love

On Being Free

 

     I'm not going to lie, the last two weeks were probably the roughest two weeks I have had in about a year, my anxiety was through the roof waiting for the final word on my new job and I was bogged down in the depression and hell of a mind that gets logged into worst case scenarios and can't get out, but all that is over now and I survived and I am in a great place and finally able to stand on my own two feet.  I start my new job on wednesday and I am incredibly excited, it is the type of situation in which I thrive, where we are starting from nothing and creating something brilliant and I can't wait to get going on it.

     I went for my first walk this morning since the resolution and the anxiety passing and it felt amazing.  The air is cold and crisp and there is a strong wind but the freshness and openness of the morning along with blaring low winter sun made for an extraordinary experience that really allowed me to experience peace.  I remember this time last year I was starting to go bat shit crazy again, I was locked in the house with no job and a sense of hopelessness and it was cold and snowy and I just didn't know what to do.  What a difference a day makes, what a difference hard work and determination make.  I feel better than I have in a very long time this morning.

     I read Peace Is Every Step last week by Thic Nhat Hanh and it helped me a lot, I had a lot of moments where I couldn't stay in the moment no matter how hard I tried but when I would pick up the book it would help me to come back, it is highly recommended.  I am currently reading Going Clear and it is all about scientology, not that I am interested in joining scientology or anything like that, but I just find the whole thing to be fascinating and it is too bad that their approach seems so intense and dare I say a little crazy because some of the beliefs behind their system seem pretty sound, but from what I have read so far, and it is easily one of the most fascinating books I have ever read, L Ron Hubbard was pretty off his rocker, but it feels good to be learning about something again, to be expanding my horizons.

     I am looking into doing a thirty day candida cleanse and following a candida diet that eliminates wheat, sugar and yeast, but I like my seitan and that is made directly from gluten so I have to really map out what I am going to do.  I hope that this morning finds everyone in a great place and at peace.

 

always hope

always peace

always love

Latest comments

21.05 | 17:47

you are an amazing man i hope you get well my friend

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21.05 | 17:41

This is the Fred we know and love! Dad

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23.01 | 11:10

glad to see you found the page, you should check out the works of Rushdie for an especially compelling take on secularism/aetheism 4am is a thing of paradise

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22.01 | 23:15

Hi Fred. I wanted to say thanks for taking the time to reccomend Hitch to me, though I am already a fan. I am impressed with your site. I'd like to get up at 4.

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