Cold and Rainy 10/23/14

It has been raining here since Tuesday and it is supposed to continue through tomorrow morning, all the drains along the roads are backed up with leaves and the wind is relentless, the power has been flickering since last night and really I am just waiting for it to go out.  I am feeling much better the past couple of days after the food poisoning I suffered on monday, and that is clearly what it was because by mid day tuesday I was energized and ready to go.  I have been focusing on really clean eating the past couple of days, really nothing processed has entered my body, today I might let my guard down a little as I have been stuck inside since yesterday and there is not much to do beyond watching a movie and having a snack, I usually go walking and I had wanted to rake but the weather is not allowing for that to happen.  I had to stop reading Wild, it was too close to what I have been going through the past few years and I just couldn't put myself in there again, I will still see the film as that is a two hour deal where this was putting myself back into things a bit each day and I just don't want to do that.  I have begun reading Consumed by David Cronenberg, one of my favorite filmmakers, I love The Fly, Crash, a History of Violence and Eastern Promises, and I find him to be very interesting as a person in general so I was quite looking forward to this book, and so far it is quite entertaining, sort of just what I needed, nothing too heavy right now, I am looking for a means of escape when I read at the moment, a way to refocus my stress and anxieties, I don't want to get caught up in things, the holidays are almost here, it is a time of year I have a very hard time with but I am going to mak the best of it this year, I am going to make them happy times.  We are spending Thanksgiving at my parents' house, I have to work the next day so we will either head home that night or very early the next morning, and it will be a good time, I look forward to seeing my extended family and just being surrounded by love, my father will be off chemo again so his spirits should be good which is always helpful in that setting.  Christmas we are hoping to spend at our hoouse, just keeping it low key and enjoying the company of each other, my parents are welcome to join us but we are hopefully not going anywhere.  It is going to be a bit of a struggle to pprepare a meal I can eat at my parents for Thanksgiving, it is going to take meticulous planning on my part and nerves of steel as my mother gets very possessive of her kitchen, but I plan on being able to eat my food as well so I will hold my ground and keep my head up, it is the only way.  I can't believe it is already close enough to the holidays where we are talking about where we will be going, this year has just flown by but that is not a bad thing, this has been a phenomenal year for me, and I am very proud of myself and all of my accomplishments and I am actually looking forward to what next year is going to bring.

 

always hope

always peace

always love

I believe I suffered food poisoning yesterday and at first I thought it was from some leftover chineese food we had gotten the day before but I now believe it was from some questionable mushrooms that I prepared in the morning.  It started with a headache that grew worse and worse throughout the day, and I haven't had a headache in so long I can't even remember the last one, in fact at my doctor's appointment last week I actually commented on how I don't get headaches anymore.  It grew worse and worse throughout the day and I tried hard to just work past it while I was at work but by about three oclock it was piercing to say the least and by then the nausea set in.  I couldn't walk by anything that had any sort of smell without feeling like I was going to boot.  By about four oclock I had to leave work and come home, I am very disappointed in myself this morning for doing this but I felt so sick that I couldn't do my job at that point.  I laid on the couch in the dark for the next several hours while nichole and the kids were at prectice, I was shivering under a blanket and my head was throbbing, thankfully I never vomitted, it has been about two years since I have vomitted in any way and I don't really ever want to go back to that and I fear that the very act could have a triggering effect on me.  I tried hanging out with Nichole and the kids when they got home but I just couldn't do it so i went to bed and shivered away.  I slept very sporadically and awoke this morning and dragged myself out of bed at about 6 am, I am very weak this morning and still rather nauseous but I am going to work, I refuse to call out, this is a new life and I don't do that, its no longer how I roll and it is just not a road I can go down.  I do feel a little better this morning than I did last night so that is a very good thing and hopefully it will onlly improve as the day moves forward. 

 

always hope

always peace

always love

The renaissance continues, today I received my first work evaluation in over three years and it went phenomenal, I received a perfect score, and the boost to my confidence is out of this world.  It also helps that this past week I did over forty hours and didn't even flinch, I feel like I am really hitting my stride.  I am in a good place at the moment, feeling strong and straight in the head and I hope it lasts for at least a couple of days.  I am going to see my parents on thursday and no matter what I am going to make it a good visit and do my best to leave in a positive headspace.  I am a bit scattered at the moment, I think this is due in large part to just being tired, I just did another 40+ hour work week and I now have three days off and my body is just trying to find its footing and my mind is just letting go for a little bit, I had to be razor sharp focused today as I was doing an entriely new menu and it was very interesting to try and handle my time management but I did beautifully and I felt very confident by the end of the day.  I read an article yesterday about my best friend from when I was a kid up through the time I was 19 or 20 when I just spiraled out of control and we went out seperate ways, he is an incredible guy, military, driven and resilient, and I thought of him and how good of a friend he was, I still talk to his mother and his brother but I don't know if I could be around him, it is a confusing feeling, I am sure he would be cool with me but I just don't know if I feel like I deserve to ever be in his presence again, it is a long story, but I have been thinking about him since I read the article and just how good of a friend he really was and how if I listened to him a lot of things would be different, but I don't live in the past anymore.  Tomorrow I will begin drinking four large glasses of water every morning when I wake up and then waiting forty five minutes before eating or drinking anything else, it is supposed to have remarkable health benefits, I have been drink a glass of water first thing every morning for the past few months and it definitely makes me feel better but from what I have been reading the amount I should be consuming first thing is much greater than what I have been consuming.  Thats it for today, I am wiped out and ready to just zone out.

 

always hope

always peace

always love

The sun is out this morning and it is going to be a beautiful day, granted I have to work 11-730 but its okay because I am going to go for a walk this morning and soak it in while I can.  The summer unofficially ends for us tomorrow with the start of our son's football season, my daughter's cheerleading season starts the following week, but it is always the beginning of the end.  I am okay with it this year though, I am in a better place than I have been in a while, I feel good and I have hope for the future to come, something I didn't have a lot of at this time last year.  I spoke with my father last night to thank him for all of his hospitality over the past week and he thanked me for all of my help, I'm not sure what I really helped with but I was gracious, it was just great to have him in a positive mindset for a little while, it is hard when someone you love feels horrible for such a long period of time.  Tonight is the super moon and I believe we are going to the beach to check it out so that should be really cool.  We had our vegan pot luck last night and it was great, there was some really incredible food, most impressive was this sushi that Nichole made with roasted and marinated watermelon, it took on an unbelieveably similar texture to raw tuna and almost freaked me out but it was so good that I got past it.  I hope everyone is well this morning and in a positive place and staying in the moment, it is the only way to be.

 

always hope

always peace

always love

I had to work the early shift this morning, had to be there at 530, and though I used to work a similar shift five days a week when I was in exeter this shift always gets to me and a large part of it is that it is so similar to when I was working in exeter that it is hard not to put myself back there, in those frantic months where everythingwas spiraling and I was just getting more and more bat shit crazy.  I told myself over and over on the way in today not to let myself go there but it proved impossible and there were several bad moments for me emotionally today, luckily I managed to only have them when I was alone, but it is difficult.  My anxiety is through the roof the last couple of weeks.  My sister is coming to visit tomorrow for the first time since 2012 and I am looking forward to it but I am anxious as well because my father is in such a place right now that I have a feeling it is going to be a very emotional visit and one that I don't know if I am ready for.  I have a feeling this might be the last time all four of us will be together, my father, mother, my sister and I and that is a hard thing to face, nothing is set in stone but my father is not well and time is not on his side.  I am doing my best to focus on other things, to stay in the moment, to practice mindfulness but things just keep slipping back in there and when they get in they just grow and grow and cycle and cycle.  I am also saddened because my dear friend Samantha is moving from Keene this coming saturday, a week from today, and though I don't spend much if any time in Keene any more it is the end of an era for me.  I met Samantha in 1995 and we have been very close ever since and to see her leave the place we called home together for so long is hard, it is very hard, I am hopeful that wednesday night I will get to drive down to Keene and say goodbye to her, she means so very much to me, she is actually moving a little bit closer to us but the connection to our past will be gone and that is both a good thing and a bad thing.  I think thats going to be it for this afternoon, I hope all of you are well.

 

always hope

always peace

always love

Latest comments

10.06 | 18:33

Well written and needed to be said.

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21.05 | 17:47

you are an amazing man i hope you get well my friend

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21.05 | 17:41

This is the Fred we know and love! Dad

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23.01 | 11:10

glad to see you found the page, you should check out the works of Rushdie for an especially compelling take on secularism/aetheism 4am is a thing of paradise

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