Thoughts 7/28/14

Its really foggy here this morning and the house is quiet except for the sound of the dryer tumbling my clothes in the basement, Nichole and the kids are still in bed but I am awake, my body gets up routinely at about 630 now, a far cry from the days when I would get up around 3 for work and an even further cry from the days when I was batshit crazy getting up at 230 in the morning to try and write my wait out of a breakdown.  I have never been a late sleeper and the days where I have slept late I have always felt like I had to run around the rest of the day to make up for lost time.  I have to work at 11 today but then I have tomorrow off and tomorrow is supposed to be beautiful, 78 and pure sun and I am looking quite forward to it.  I started reading a book yesterday, I recently read The Ocean At The End Of The Lane by Neil Gaiman and it was good but I couldn't help but find it disappointing because I had heard so many people talk about how great it was.  I am reading Christopher Hitchens again, I haven't read any of his work since the winter of 2013 when I was detoxing, I was very nervous to start reading him again as I feared it might be a trigger for me but it seems to be going fine and I am quite enjoying the book, it is called The Missionar Position and it is an examination of the life and work of Mother Theresa, lets just say he was not a big fan.  It feels good to be reading again, I had a really hard time this past fall and winter reading anything, I started about a hundred books only to not finish them, I was just at a really bad place and reading wasn't really an option for me, but now I have crossed that line by finishing the Gaiman book and I feel I am back on track, I love to read, to lose myself in thought and to gather knowledge.  I am also reading a script that my good friend Justin sent to me and that is an engaging activity I am supposed to give him feedback by wednesday or thursday.  I woke up with a headache this morning, its been a while since that happened and I know it is anxiety related, I had a good day yesterday in regards to anxiety but in the evening it began to creep back in and it invaded my dreams, something that has been happening more and more lately, I have been trying to be conservative on the oil lately as I didn't want to have to go back to Portland for a couple of weeks but I am almost out and will probably have to go back in the next week.  I know it sounds foolish but my anxiety has also been increased because of a strike at our regular grocery store, my food is very important to me, it is basically my medication, I control everything with food, and for the past week and a hald the grocery store that we shop at regularyl has been engaged in a huge labor strike and we have not been able to shop there, I had to grocery shop on friday and it was a nightmare, three diferent stores, extra money, couldn't find everything I needed, it is just another stone on top of the pile and I am ready for the strike to be over and for things to go back to normal.  On a good note, I feel like I am doing really well at my job, it is difficult to keep everything in perspective while I am there and to keep myself in check, I find myself becoming obsessive quite a bit and when it happens I just shut myself down and focus on whatever task I can find, but I am building some good relationships and I have received some very positive feedback so that feels good, but by the end of my three days in a row I am just exhausted and last week and this week I have an extra shift on wednesday but I am making the best of it.  I also found out that my son's first football game this year is late enough in the day and local enough that I will be able to go when I get out of work and I am really relieved to learn this because I was extremely anxious over missing it and having a hard time not getting depressed about it, but its all good now and I look forward to watching him, he is just an incredible kid, as is my daughter, and he really loves sports and being with his friends, not really sure where he gets that from but its all good.  I think thats going to be it this morning, I have some stuff to do and I wanted to go for a walk before it started raining.  I hope you all are well.

 

always hope

always peace

always love

Shedding this skin, couldn’t cut it away, couldn’t scratch it away, but I am shedding this skin

Shedding this skin, that has kept me trapped deep inside, locked away behind heavy doors and always at guard

Shedding this skin, before it has a chance to consume me, to devour me, or swallow me whole

Shedding this skin, I will no longer be divided or live as the conquered, I choose to fight back, I choose to survive

Shedding this skin, and the memories that have left me and are leaving me now, I sweep them away, the dust of dead cells

Shedding this skin, can’t seem to forget, each wound a little deeper, the flesh sliced, torn and raw

Shedding this skin, when the memories come back they burn me like fire, I close my eyes to try and get away but they only burn brighter

Shedding this skin, and I follow the line now like a map carved in flesh, memories cut deep into the canvas of my arms, legs and chest

Shedding this skin, the lines darken as they age, as my body shrinks, and they taunt me in the mirror with their threats of the past

Shedding this skin, unearthing the thoughts buried deep inside, they hang from my bones and I must expel them now

Shedding this skin, because claws and bones never seemed to work and the pain was too much to go any further

Shedding this skin, because the time is upon, the past is an egg, and its broken now you see, it’s time to move on, time to grab a new one

The worst is over, January is behind us now and February is very short.  The weather today is great for this time of year, 41 degrees and tomorrow is supposed to be nearly 50 degrees, it is actually not supposed to get below 30 this week and for that I am very thankful.  I didn't feel well yesterday, I just couldn't pull it together and I felt sick all day, today is better, I volunteered at the penguin plunge in Hampton this morning handing out towels and spending time on the beach and I went for a huge walk so I feel a lot better.  I am going to keep it short today, I'm chilling with Nichole and the kids and just trying to feel good and stay in the moment.  I hope you all are well.

 

always hope

always peace

always love

So I heard from my mother and it was good news, her test all came back normal and the sense of relief I feel about this news is unexplainable.  It's weird to think about how differently I feel now as compared with this morning and it is something that keeps happening.  I wake up desperate and anxiety ridden, depressed and unable to function and I lurch through the morning, write about it, do some work on my book, today I did over three hours worth of work on my book, have lunch and end up feeling a little better by the afternoon.  I ate lunch after I spoke with my mother, my anxiety was reduced signicantly and I felt okay about eating, I had some mushrooms, some kale, some chickpeas, jasmin rice and sriracha and I felt full and warm when I was finished.  I am working hard to get it together and keep it together and I am working hard to stay in the moment, I am beginning to realize that a lot of my problem is that I worry too much about what is going to happen in the future or what is not going to happen in the future and as soon as I start thinking about any of this my mind just turns to wors case scenarios and that is when I really lose it, it used to happen to me all the time at work.  I would get some vague, harmless email about a meeting in the afternoon with my boss, the email would come in the morning and I would never even consider that it could be about something positive even though it usually was, I used to be a really good and dedicated emplooyee, I used to achieve things and get promotions and raises, but I would think about the email all day and flip various scenarios around in my head, I would hyperventialate, I would have to sneak away to the walk in cooler over and over again so that no one would see me having an anxiety attack, I can't tell you how many times I had to play these off when someone would walk in on me while I was crying, I would just look away from them and tell myself that they had no idea that something was wrong with me.  By the time I would actually get to the meeting in the afternoon I would be completely emotionally spent and it would end up being about some new sort of pricing or ordering guideline, it would really have nothing to do with me.  At night I would lie in bed and obsess over everything that had to be done and I would convince myself that there would nver be time for everything and I woulld get myself to work earlier and earlier every day, two or three hours before I had to be, having relentless anxiety attacks on the highway on the way to work, trying to fight back tears before I got to the tollbooths so that the attendant wouldn't ask me if I was okay.  This is how I lived for years, I had on average four to five anxiety attacks a day, sometimes more, and I didn't tell anyone about them because I didn't want anyone to knoow about them, for people to know about them would open up the door to questions about why I was having them and I didn't want anyone to do know anything about me, I didn't want to look weak or unable to handle things.  Its hard to think about, its hard to think about those moments where I was all alone and it felt like the world was closing in on me and truth be told sometimes I just wished that it would because it was all just getting to be too much to handle.  Funny, I started talking about how I worry about the future and here I am back in the past but I am really trying to finally face some things and finally accept some things and every minute of every day is filled with the past right now and that makes it hard to get out of bed sometimes and yesterday and today it has made it hard to have my children home because it is not easy to hold it together all the time, there are a lot of tears, a lot of self loathing and it is not something I want my kids to see or experience, so I go down stairs a lot to get the laundry, or I stay in the show a little longer, or go do something in the kitchen, kind of like sneaking off to the walk in at work, I'm hiding the anxiety attacks again and the very action brings on more.  It won't be so bad in a couple of months when the spring is here and we don't have to pay for oil anymore and I have a little more money so that I can go to portland and actually get the right amount of what I need and get it under control again, when I can go outside again and not worry about being so cold that my hands hurt.  I can't wait for the point where my eyes are healed to, right now it is still painful to go outside without sunglasses, my eyes still burn from the medication.  Two days ago I left my sunglasses in Nichole's car when she left for work and I had to go on my walk without them and it was very difficult.  My dad picks on me when he sees me in my sunglasses, bugs me about wearing them all the time, even on cloudy day, but I am tired of explaining why I wear them to anyone and he doesn't mean any harm.  I feel like I'm starting to drift so I am going to stop for right now, I have been typing for hours and my neck is really starting to hurt.

 

always hope

always peace

always love

I am doing much better now than I was earlier today, I did some writing, getting so much work done on my book, and I had a really good lunch, I cooked up some black beans, mushrooms, kale, fresh garlic, rice noodles and sriracha and it was delicious and very calming.  It actually ended up getting warm, relatively as it was about 37, and sunny here today and I got to go for a walk so that is always a huge help.  I am trying very hard to embrace some of the tactics that Dr. Griffith has been teaching me, in particular the idea of acknowledging depression and anxiety when they arise but not so much fighting them off as just riding them as he believes that they will pass much faster this way.  I am giving it a try and so far what I have found is that they may pass a bit more quickly in this manner but they become much more intense while they are with me so I have to really keep an eye on it and make adjustments as I go.  I keep reminding myself how close we are to spring now, 51 days to go and I will be able to breathe a deep sigh of relief, it is something I am really looking forward to, this has been anincredibly difficult winter for me.  I had been so out of it the past few winters that I really forgot just how much difficulty I have had with winter in the past and it was really magnified this year, granted there were a lot of elements at play that haven't been at play in the past and that really made a difference, but I am ready to welcome spring with open arms.  I have to say I watched the Grammy's last night and I am starting to sound old but music just isn't what it used to be.  There were some excellent performances no doubt, for me Pink was a highlight, she is really underrated but never disappoints.  I also have to say that I am a huge advocate for equality, gay rights and in particular marriage for all, but I don't think the cause did itself any favors last night with the mass marriage of 33 couples, it turned the whole act into somewhat of a ridiculous spectacle and I could see where it would make it even more difficult to convince people who are against equality to change their minds.  I like the song, and thought it was a good performance, granted Madonna was unnecessary and that is from a fan who has seen her live twice, and I have no problem with artists and celebrities using their fame to advance an issue, I just think that was a really bad judgment call.  I am missing Nichole today, it has been a while since she has been gone for the whole day and both today and tomorrow she is gone to Portland for a training and the house feels so empty without her.  This year marks our 12th anniversary and we can celebrate it on a much happier note this year than we have been able to for several years, I am looking forward to it.  I am not looking forward to my birthday, I try not to put too much significance in age but it is a hard thing to ignore when you are in my situation.  I don't plan to celebrate it in any way this year and I don't want it to be celebrated, its just not something I want to deal with, maybe that mindset will change but I don't think so.  I took my dog on the walk with me today and he really enjoyed it, he is such a good dog but he is getting so old and I worry about him.  He is now conked out in the chair across from me wheezing away.  I hate saying goodbye to animals and I am hoping it is not something I have to do anytime soon, I won't let him suffer but I think right now he is okay.  I think thats going to be it for now.  I hope you are all well.

 

always hope

always peace

always love

Latest comments

10.06 | 18:33

Well written and needed to be said.

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21.05 | 17:47

you are an amazing man i hope you get well my friend

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21.05 | 17:41

This is the Fred we know and love! Dad

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23.01 | 11:10

glad to see you found the page, you should check out the works of Rushdie for an especially compelling take on secularism/aetheism 4am is a thing of paradise

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