Power 12/18/14

On Power

 

     I am in a positive state of mind this morning and that positivity gives me an endless sense of power and control, I have the power to make today a success and that is what I am going to do.  A funny thing happened last night, I realized that I'm not really nervous about this audition of my food this afternoon, I know what I am doing and I am in control, I am going to make this work for me and I am going to get this job.  I am not sure where the confidence came from, I have been filled with self doubt for so long, but I really feel like this is meant to be like all the pieces are finally coming together and this is the end reward for all of my hard work and I am going to take it and run with it.

     I screwed up my back royally somewhow, to the point that I am having a hard time standing up but I am not going to let that get in the way either, I have been doing yoga all morning and I tried going for a walk but that didn't work out.  I am going to do some more yoga in a bit to make sure I am moderately flexible for this afternoon, I don't want to give off any hint of weakness or poor physical condition.  I did a meditation this morning chanting the word success repeatedly and it felt good when I finished.

     I am determined to keep progressing and I have decided to not thinkk about what to do if I don't get this job, it is not a scenario I am even going to examine until I knoow the outcome, I believe it is all too important to put the positive energy out as opposed to the nervous and downtrodden energy.  I am going this afternoon at three for the audition and I can't imagine it will take more than an hour to an hour and a half, after which I have to drive to portland and then fly home to make dinner and do homework with my son but its all good because it all has meaning and it all makes me feel fulfilled.

 

always hope

always peace

always love

On Being In Between A Good Place and a Bad Place

 

     So let me start off by saying that yesterday's interview went very well, I walked out feeling confident and they have asked me to come back tomorrow and audition if you will with a meal prepared from a random basket of food they are going to get together for me.  I am trying to remain confident, I have been cooking for the better part of 18 years, I waited tables for a few years in between but I have always cooked, and I am constantly learning techniques, I am just hoping that I don't freeze up and completely fuck this up.  To say I want this job would be more than a massive under statement, it is everything I want, they are starting new under a new company, moving towards a whole foods organic based diet for senior citizens, it is everything that I dream of and they are going to allow for creativity in the position.  I am trying really hard not to obsess on it, not to create the scenario in my mind where I already have it because it is more than realistic to assume that I won't get it, its also more hours and more money, it would be a great cap off to a great year, but I just don't want to be devistated when I don't get it.  I know that freaking out about it today won't change the outcome tomorrow but at the moment I can't shut off the thoughts in my head.  I am hopeful though.  I spokme with Dr. Griffith last night and he made me feel very good about myself in a moment when I really needed it.  He told me that how I had moved away from the medication was nothing less than heroic and that he was noot just saying that to blow smoke up my ass, and he told me that if I can do that, if I can drop medications and drugs and alcohol and just decide to move on from them, then I can cook a meal and get a job and I really want to believe that is the truth.  He also told me that he believes that certain things happen because the pieces need to fall into place, we talked about how I had gotten the call out of the blue after I had long since given up, I applied to this place over a month ago, the type of joob and the elements it involves and their direct connection to me and who I am now, but mostly we talked about the energy and enthusiasm I had put into this evolution over the past two years, and the energy I have put out there, and I truly do believe that when you put positive energy out there you get it back.  I am hopeful, so hopeful, but I really need this to work out, this one is going to be hard to just move on from if I don't get it.  Any positive energy you can send my way would be appreciated, I go tomorrow at three.

     Nichole has been giving me little gifts leading up to christmas and while they have all been fun and humorous, last night she gave me one that filled my heart with such peace and warmth that I find it hard to explain it here.  She wrote me several little songs about us and our relationship and me and how much she loves me and it just felt so good.  I'm trying so hard right now, to make this life better, to make life stronger and to complete this stage of the journey and I just need positives and they seem to be coming, my dad's test results, this job opportunity, the letter from nichole, the words from Dr. Griffith, I just need to keep the momentum going.

 

always hope

always peace

always love

Latest comments

21.05 | 17:47

you are an amazing man i hope you get well my friend

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21.05 | 17:41

This is the Fred we know and love! Dad

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23.01 | 11:10

glad to see you found the page, you should check out the works of Rushdie for an especially compelling take on secularism/aetheism 4am is a thing of paradise

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22.01 | 23:15

Hi Fred. I wanted to say thanks for taking the time to reccomend Hitch to me, though I am already a fan. I am impressed with your site. I'd like to get up at 4.

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