I believe I suffered food poisoning yesterday and at first I thought it was from some leftover chineese food we had gotten the day before but I now believe it was from some questionable mushrooms that I prepared in the morning. It started with
a headache that grew worse and worse throughout the day, and I haven't had a headache in so long I can't even remember the last one, in fact at my doctor's appointment last week I actually commented on how I don't get headaches anymore. It grew worse
and worse throughout the day and I tried hard to just work past it while I was at work but by about three oclock it was piercing to say the least and by then the nausea set in. I couldn't walk by anything that had any sort of smell without feeling like
I was going to boot. By about four oclock I had to leave work and come home, I am very disappointed in myself this morning for doing this but I felt so sick that I couldn't do my job at that point. I laid on the couch in the dark for the next several
hours while nichole and the kids were at prectice, I was shivering under a blanket and my head was throbbing, thankfully I never vomitted, it has been about two years since I have vomitted in any way and I don't really ever want to go back to that and I fear
that the very act could have a triggering effect on me. I tried hanging out with Nichole and the kids when they got home but I just couldn't do it so i went to bed and shivered away. I slept very sporadically and awoke this morning and dragged
myself out of bed at about 6 am, I am very weak this morning and still rather nauseous but I am going to work, I refuse to call out, this is a new life and I don't do that, its no longer how I roll and it is just not a road I can go down. I do feel a
little better this morning than I did last night so that is a very good thing and hopefully it will onlly improve as the day moves forward.
The renaissance continues, today I received my first work evaluation in over three years and it went phenomenal, I received a perfect score, and the boost to my confidence is out of this world. It also helps that this past week I did over forty
hours and didn't even flinch, I feel like I am really hitting my stride. I am in a good place at the moment, feeling strong and straight in the head and I hope it lasts for at least a couple of days. I am going to see my parents on thursday and
no matter what I am going to make it a good visit and do my best to leave in a positive headspace. I am a bit scattered at the moment, I think this is due in large part to just being tired, I just did another 40+ hour work week and I now have three days
off and my body is just trying to find its footing and my mind is just letting go for a little bit, I had to be razor sharp focused today as I was doing an entriely new menu and it was very interesting to try and handle my time management but I did beautifully
and I felt very confident by the end of the day. I read an article yesterday about my best friend from when I was a kid up through the time I was 19 or 20 when I just spiraled out of control and we went out seperate ways, he is an incredible guy, military,
driven and resilient, and I thought of him and how good of a friend he was, I still talk to his mother and his brother but I don't know if I could be around him, it is a confusing feeling, I am sure he would be cool with me but I just don't know if I feel
like I deserve to ever be in his presence again, it is a long story, but I have been thinking about him since I read the article and just how good of a friend he really was and how if I listened to him a lot of things would be different, but I don't live in
the past anymore. Tomorrow I will begin drinking four large glasses of water every morning when I wake up and then waiting forty five minutes before eating or drinking anything else, it is supposed to have remarkable health benefits, I have been drink
a glass of water first thing every morning for the past few months and it definitely makes me feel better but from what I have been reading the amount I should be consuming first thing is much greater than what I have been consuming. Thats it for today,
I am wiped out and ready to just zone out.
The sun is out this morning and it is going to be a beautiful day, granted I have to work 11-730 but its okay because I am going to go for a walk this morning and soak it in while I can. The summer unofficially ends for us tomorrow with the start
of our son's football season, my daughter's cheerleading season starts the following week, but it is always the beginning of the end. I am okay with it this year though, I am in a better place than I have been in a while, I feel good and I have hope
for the future to come, something I didn't have a lot of at this time last year. I spoke with my father last night to thank him for all of his hospitality over the past week and he thanked me for all of my help, I'm not sure what I really helped with
but I was gracious, it was just great to have him in a positive mindset for a little while, it is hard when someone you love feels horrible for such a long period of time. Tonight is the super moon and I believe we are going to the beach to check it
out so that should be really cool. We had our vegan pot luck last night and it was great, there was some really incredible food, most impressive was this sushi that Nichole made with roasted and marinated watermelon, it took on an unbelieveably similar
texture to raw tuna and almost freaked me out but it was so good that I got past it. I hope everyone is well this morning and in a positive place and staying in the moment, it is the only way to be.
I had to work the early shift this morning, had to be there at 530, and though I used to work a similar shift five days a week when I was in exeter this shift always gets to me and a large part of it is that it is so similar to when I was working in
exeter that it is hard not to put myself back there, in those frantic months where everythingwas spiraling and I was just getting more and more bat shit crazy. I told myself over and over on the way in today not to let myself go there but it proved impossible
and there were several bad moments for me emotionally today, luckily I managed to only have them when I was alone, but it is difficult. My anxiety is through the roof the last couple of weeks. My sister is coming to visit tomorrow for the first
time since 2012 and I am looking forward to it but I am anxious as well because my father is in such a place right now that I have a feeling it is going to be a very emotional visit and one that I don't know if I am ready for. I have a feeling this might
be the last time all four of us will be together, my father, mother, my sister and I and that is a hard thing to face, nothing is set in stone but my father is not well and time is not on his side. I am doing my best to focus on other things, to stay
in the moment, to practice mindfulness but things just keep slipping back in there and when they get in they just grow and grow and cycle and cycle. I am also saddened because my dear friend Samantha is moving from Keene this coming saturday, a week
from today, and though I don't spend much if any time in Keene any more it is the end of an era for me. I met Samantha in 1995 and we have been very close ever since and to see her leave the place we called home together for so long is hard, it is very
hard, I am hopeful that wednesday night I will get to drive down to Keene and say goodbye to her, she means so very much to me, she is actually moving a little bit closer to us but the connection to our past will be gone and that is both a good thing and a
bad thing. I think thats going to be it for this afternoon, I hope all of you are well.
Today is a fresh start, today is the day that we move on. This day last year didn't look so good for me, I was really struggling, I couldn't get it together at all and I was completely alienated from those who I loved and cared about. Today
I am working hard to get health, working hard to approach some sort of normalcy, I am being proactive in my pursuits of health and mental well being. I am going to make this the year that life comes together for me, my resolution, which I have never
liked making but make just the same, is to get healthier and continue to become a better person. I want to be someone who my kids can look up to and who my wife enjoys having around. 2013 seemed to do everything it could yesterday afternoon to
make me no longer want it around, both of my cars decided to stop working, we had to have Nichole's towed to a mechanic and mine still sits with a dead battery in the driveway. I threw my back out severely and a couple of other shit things happened,
but none of that matters now, the cars will get fixed, my back is slowly getting better, and I have managed to handle it without taking a single pill, I am a stronger more optimistic person than I was a year ago and if I can accomplish everything I accomplished
in a year where I was so physically sick, then this year should be phenomenal. I hope that everyone was safe last night and I hope that everyone will be feeling well by the midmorning, again, I don't miss hangovers, especially the hangover I always had
on New Years Day. I am also thinking of all of you who might not have had a good New Years Eve and who might not be having a good New Years Day, I know how hard it can be to find the joy in some days, when your whole world feels like its falling apart
and when you feel like the sun may never shine on you again, if it ever did at all to begin with. Be strong, work towards confidence and try your best to feel a sense of hope. You are not alone and you will make it through. Today is going
to be a chill day with the kids and Nichole, it is only three degrees here today and there is a snowstorm moving in tomorrow, but we are going to make it a good day. We are going to ask the neighbor to jump start our car, we are going to watch a couple
of movies, and we are going to eat black eyed peas. I was talking to my daughter last night, she was very upset at the end of the night because I forgot to kiss her at the turn of the year, and I have promised her that next year will be all about what
she wants to do for New Years, she is a remarkable little girl, she had a rough start to the night last night, she tried to make it through a sleepover but couldn't, but she rallied and had a good evening with her family. She too has made some major
accomplishments this year, she was having a really hard time a year ago making friends and being nice to people, but that has changed immensely, she has a couple of really good friends and she seems to be much happier. My son has also had a huge turn
around this year and it is so interesting to see him change and grow up. He is reaching a point where he cares about his appearance, his resolution involves losing even more weight than he has already lost, he got really awesome work boots and reebok
pumps for Christmas and he seems to cherish them, he is losing his baby face features and that makes me sad, but I am very proud of the all around good human being he is becoming. He is well behaved, non materialistic and cares about other human beings
and how they may be feeling. It was a really good feeling to be around Nichole last night, she has been acting a lot more like she used to act around me, laughing with me, hugging me, just having a good time with me and acting like she wants me
around and it feels so good to be getting back to that. Always remember that es, your life might fall apart, but if you want to you can do the work and pput it back together, I am still doing the work but hopefully this is going to be the year that all
the pieces fall into place.
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