Good Morning 11/23/14

On Being a Good Morning

 

     I woke up in good spirits this morning, oddly I woke up at about five needing to go to the bathroom and then found myself so relaxed and so at peace that I was actually able to get back in bed and sleep for another hour or so.  I woke with no anxiety, again a strange occurrence for me, and proceeded to just be at peace.  I had a great talk with Dr. Griffith the other day about how sometimes I just need to acknowledge anxieties and fears and let them be, just acknowledge that they are there and then move on from them and I have really been trying to concentrate on that.  I am so glad I started going to see him again, I don't see him this week but I do see him the following week, we have a really great connection and he makes sense of so very many things for me and gives me a sense of confidence that I am all too often lacking.

     I went for a walk early this morning and did a walking meditation, just taking in the world around me, looking at the beauty of the sky broken here and there by majestic clouds and patches of pink and purple, there was a cold wind this morning but it was so refreshing and awakening.  I have found that walking meditations have a tendency to free up many thoughts in my head which can be both a good and bad thing.  I am confronted with thoughts and fear about the future and the past and I let them in for just a moments and then I fond the beauty of the moment and my surroundings and leave them behind as I walk forward one step at a time. 

     One thing I have truly come to understand through all my stuggles is that life can be very frustrating, very difficult at times, but it can also be very beautiful and if everything came easy it wouldn't seem as worthwhile.  I think a lot about the past five years, the declinging health of my father, the collapse of my professional and personal life and my choice to come back, to not just rebuild but start something fantastic and new and I know it sounds strange but to a certain extent I am thankful for every moment of suffering and struggle that has come my way because each moment, each peice has allowed me to build something greater and more amazing than I ever thought possible.  It has opened my eyes to a dream and a passion that I never knew I had and it has made me appreciate all that I already have.

     The sun is shinging through my window right now, casting a beautiful light upon the day and waking me up inside in new ways that I didn't think possible.  The air will be warm today and yes I have to work but I am thankful for that, 10 months ago I was sitting in a chair thinking to myself that nothing was ever going to go my way, that is not the case anymore.  Yes I get frustrated from time to time but really who doesn't and if I get frustrated I just need to find a way to channel that energy into something productive and magnificent and I can make that happen and will make that happen.

 

always hope

always peace

always love

It’s weird how words can shatter us, funny how that works, I remember words like wounds and I carry their scars just the same

I remember whispers dear friend, words spoken low so no one would hear, but I heard them dear friend, I heard them quite clearly

And they burned like fire as they cut my skin, I had just carried my greatest friend, I had just carried her; did you see?

I was broken and bruised, battered, sick to my stomach, I wasn’t even talking to you, I wasn’t talking to anyone, I had no one left to talk to

You locked onto me like a target; you spoke of things I heard all too often, from too many mouths looking for self-satisfaction

 I remember your voice was quiet and childlike, which made it sting like a million times before, but this ground was sacred and you broke it you see

And then came a field, and heat and summer rain, a look over the shoulder to see if anyone was watching

And finally a release, an escape hatch, a knife to cut the ties that bound me and chains to bind me again

I shed you, I drowned you out, I pissed you away, I got sick when I thought of you; it made me sick to think of you

But I shed you and I shed them, I made it all go away, I made you all disappear, I would no longer hear your voices, your words, those all too sharp weapons

But some words just don’t go away, some things don’t disappear, you can still smell shit when you walk away from it

Some words just cut too deep, too often, some words just linger in the air, snatching our breath and choking out all hope

Did you see I had just carried her, I had carried my greatest friend, away from this world where I could see her, away from this hell that she left me in

My goal for today is to stay positive, so far the morning has been more hit than miss, I had one small anxiety attack right after Nichole left and I was a little depressed when I woke up this morning, but I am trying hard to turn it around and keep things moving forward for the day.  It helps a great deal that the next few days are supposed to be considerably warmer, with Sunday even reaching a possible high of fifty degrees.  I didn't hear the furnace come on as much last night and I won't let myself check the oil level today, I have made it halfway down the basement stairs a couple of times and then turned around and when I went down to do the laundry I had to fight off the need to go over and check it but I was successful.  I am concerned about Eben and it has been weighing on me a great deal since I picked him up yesterday from the late bus.  There is a group of kids that have been relentlessly harassing him at school and it has been getting worse and worse, he was hysterical when he got in the car last night, he has asked to be home schooled and he has asked to see a therapist and I just don't know what to do.  Nichole wrote to his teacher and the principal this morning in the hopes that they might handle the situation but it just breaks my heart and worries me to no end to think of him being treated like this.  I feel even worse because it has been going on for months and I was just telling him for a while that sometimes thats just how kids act and maybe they are just joking with you and you need to focus on your friends and not the kids who are mean and now I feel like I have made him feel even worse and let the problem get even bigger.  I am just hoping that he has a good day today.  I got a lot of work done on my book yesterday and plan on doing even more in just a couple of minutes and again it is warmer here today, going to be 29 by noon and I am going to go for a walk.  I freaked out a little earlier because the yoga routine I had been doing on on demand was gone, change is very difficult for me, but I managed to find a different one that seemed to help.  I will more than likely be back later in the day today.

 

always hope

always peace

always love

the sky opened up and poured on me as I stood there waiting for her to come home, the wind was blowing and the air felt cold and raw

i turn my back to cars i don't recognize so i don't feel the need to do an awkward wave, the decision to wave or not to wave has always been difficult for me

the street always seems so long when the weather is cold and the rain is falling and so much shorter when the air is warm and the sun is shining

looked at the past today and sometimes im just amazed that im alive when it seems like i was dead for so long

words are spoken and written and what do they mean are they real or imagined when we argue over them but don't discuss

i miss the days where i could just bury my head and forget the time but i feel the need to hold myself accountable

and days fill up with hours that are full og moments that sometimes don't come to pass the way we are expecting

and what is to be made of memories forgotten till theyre remembered when the time is right and our heads are wrong

I saw a lot of movies this year, and not all of them were from this year, but I am making my list of my top 10 favorite films that I saw this year, not the top ten made this year, and not even the top ten technically best films I saw this year, these are the ten movies I enjoyed the most this year.

10)  The Sessions, released in 2012 and earning an Oscar nomination for Helen Hunt in the process, a performer who I can't usually stand but loved in this movie, The Sessions tells the story of a quadripalegic man who wants to experience sexual pleasure and the woman who helps him to do it.  It is an extremely well done film and the two lead performances from Helen Hunt and John Hawkes are both incredible.  The film is funny, sad, and all around engaging.

9) The Evil Dead, I love good horror and this film is everything you would want a remake of the Evil Dead with a bigger budget to be, gory, ultraviolent, funny, scary, and relentlessly entertaining, one of the best horror films of the year.

8) Take This Waltz, also released in 2012, this is an incredible film with amazing performances from Seth Rogen, Michelle Williams, and who would have thought Sarah Silverman, her final scene is breathtaking and real, anyone who has ever dealt with any sort of addiction problems will be floored, but this is a love story and a story about the power of desire to blind us to what is real in love, this is a story about so many things and only serves to further prove Sarah Polley as one of the best writer directors working today.

7) Stories We Tell, another Sarah Polley film, this time a documentary, this one a different sort of observation on love and family.  I was riveted from start to finish and I have not met anyone who has seen this who didn't absolutely love it, it is currently sweeping the year end documentary awards and rightly so.

6) Prisoners, watched this last night and if I gave this list a few days it would probably move up even further as it is the type of movie that really needs time to sink in.  Hugh Jackman and Jake Gyllenhall have never been my favorite actors but they have never been better than they are in this movie and the plot is very intricate and holds up under scrutiny, very well done

5) The Purge, again I love horror and this one may not be full blooded horror but it is a great little piece of genre film making, suspenseful, dramatic, well acted and never excessively violent or gory, I loved this movie, truly entertaining withoout a single boring moment and it never overstays its welcome.

4) Sinister, again a film released in 2012 but I didn't see it until this past winter, one of the creepiest films I have seen in a long time, the scene with Ethan Hawke walking down the hall while all the spirits of the dead children are darting behind him makes my skin crawl every time I see it, well written, well acted, well paced and well directed

3) The To Do List, I loved this movie, and not just because I was in high school at the same time the movie takes place, it is laugh out loud funny but also has characters that you care about, the scene at the end with Wind Beneath My Wings is still playing over and over in my head

2) The Conjuring, this was going to be my number one but then another movie came along, this is without a doubt the best horror film of at least the past twenty years.  The acting is top notch, Vera Farmiga and Lilli Taylor give full bodied and emotional performance, the effects are all practical and the scares will make you scream out loud, there is little or no violence and little or no gore, it is a haunted house movie that you will never forget.

1) Dallas Buyers Club, quite simply the most emotionally resonant film I have seen in a long time with astounding performances all around but featuring the most heartbreaking and charismatic performance you are likely to see this year or any year in Jared Leto's portrayal of Rayon, and it is in his least showy scenes that he really delivers.  I was floored by this film, and if Leto doesn't take home an Oscar they will no longer hold any relevance for me.

Latest comments

10.06 | 18:33

Well written and needed to be said.

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21.05 | 17:47

you are an amazing man i hope you get well my friend

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21.05 | 17:41

This is the Fred we know and love! Dad

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23.01 | 11:10

glad to see you found the page, you should check out the works of Rushdie for an especially compelling take on secularism/aetheism 4am is a thing of paradise

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