Tuesday 4/22/14

Its going to be another beautiful day here today with temperatures near 70, we have the windows open and the furnace off and the feeling is just remarkable after having a house filled with dead air for the winter.  I talked to my boss yesterday and he is going to switch my day off around next week so I can go to my father's surgery and for that I am very thankful.  He is not doing well and he is very depressed right now and I just want to be there for him as he has always been there for me, not to mention the thought of my mother sitting in that hospital alone waiting for his surgery to be over is more than I could handle.  I am keeping myself in check this time though, this morning has been a little rough, I was very emotional while I was doing the dishes and laundry but I have gotten it together.  What makes it even harder is that my neighbor, a very good friend of mine, who was diagnosed just a few months before my father in 2010 has now entered the final stages of his cancer.  My father has asked me about him a couple of times and I just don't dare tell him what is going on as he just couldn't handle that right now.  I had a lot of guilt after my conversation with my father about his diet the other night, I feel like I really crossed a line and I know that the time I have with him is short and I just don't want to do anything to ruin it, I have vowed to myself not to question his approach from here on out, I have said my piece and I need to be okay with it now.  I have to work this afternoon but this morning I am going for a walk and I am going to do a meditation to ground myself on the walk.  I hope all of you are well.

 

always hope

always peace

always love

I am 37 years old today but I feel younger than I have in a while, the sun is shining and the air is perfect, I am in great spirits.  I am going to concentrate on the positive, spring is here, there is no longer any denying it and I am so appreciativ for that.  I ended up with the whole weekend off which is cool because its my birthday weekend and it allowed me the opportnity to come and visit my parents in charlestown, something I haven't done in a long time and it has been a really positive visit.  Nichole and I went to see the Grand Budapest Hotel last night and I thought it was very good and then we walked around BF just talking and being chill, it was a really good time.  I got lunch at this awesome vegan restaurant yesterday in Northwood, Susty's, I love their food, I had delicious spring rolls with fresh mint and an awesome tofu sandwich followed by a brownie and it was all fantastic.  I do have some guilt, my father is having surgery on the 29th and I can't get the day off, my aunt is usually around to go with my mother for surgery so she doesn't have to wait alone if im not there but she is in Florida.  I told them a couple of weeks ago that I couldn't go but my father asked me about it this morning and the guilt just welled up inside of me.  I had a very frustrating conversation with him last night about the amount of sugar he eats and I have decided to just check out of that, I have said my piece, I have done what I can and now I just need to let it go.  Back to the positive, we are finally getting our tax return this week and that is going to be such a positive boost for us, its amazing really how much different life is for me this year and I am forever thankful and forever changed

 

always hope

always peace

always love

I'll be honest, I don't remember my birthday from last year, I can say that the only thing that even remotely jogged my memory about it was when I discovered a ticket stub in my coat pocket from when I went to see the evil dead remake on this date a year ago, a film I don't even remember seeing.  This year is so much different, I am coherent, healthy and happy and I have put the past to rest.  Tomorrow I turn 37 but I feel younger than I ever have, my body and my mind are only getting healthier.  It is a stunningly beautiful day here, going to be in the 60s with pure sun, I have to work for a few hours but then we are driving to Charlestown for the night, should be a good time.  Today also marks two years since the passing of the great Levon Helm, his music has been with me for so many years, singing Atlantic City at the top of my lungs with Nichole and the kids is one of my last good memories before everything went to shit.  I have been listening to his music this morning and doing everything I can to appreciate his legacy.  I have a lot of things I want to get accomplished this morning, cleaning, a walk, a couple of other things, and I am going to try and write tomorrow morning but I hope all of you are well and in the same good spirits that I am.

 

always hope

always peace

always love

I haven't been able to write as frequently as I like since I have gone back to work, I am working a lot more hours than I was a couple of weeks ago and this week has been busy on top of that.  Yesterday I had to go to the DMV and renew my license.  This was quite the experience as I ate some mushrooms and beets right before I went and my stomach was making the most obnoxiously loud noises you could imagine while I sat waiting for my number to be called.  I waited and waited and then discovered that I had the wrong paperwork with me when it was my turn so I had to get a temporary license which is good for 60 days.  I went to Portland yesterday to, I had to go to the dispensary.  I had a really good talk with one of the employees about a survey I filled out in regards to how marijuana has helped me, I can tell you right now I would not have been able to return to work without it, and I told them anything they ever need help with in regards to the movement I am more than willing to help.  I had to get my car inspected this morning and I ran into an old friend of mine who is actually running a grow set up for another dispensary and we had a really good talk, I am really interested in becoming a caregiver in the next year or so and he answered a lot of my questions.  I have been thinking about getting some new clothes as none of my pants stay up, but really all I want right now is a Lou Reed T shirt for the summer, it has been almost six months since he died and I am still not over it, I was looking on amazon and there are several that I want and hopefully in the next few weeks I can get one.  Things are really good though, I feel like a different person and I feel like I have a future for the first time in a long time, I am planning things and working on things, my goals for this year are to somehow come up with the money to become a certified aroma therapist, it costs about $2000 and to figure out how to come up with anoth $1500 to become a caregiver, I really want to become my own employer, work for myself and I feel it is doable, I just have to put my mind to it.  I hope all of you are well,

 

always hope

always peace

always love

Wow, what a difference time, hard work and determination make.  A year ago I was struggling to come back to life, I had taken the first steps to getting things back under control, I was still struggling with Paxil and Xanax, I was a very angry, my relationship with Nichole and most of my family was in ruins and I was just very angry and didn't have a lot going for me.  It was right around this time that I had begun to give serious thought to the idea of going vegan, I knew it was an all or nothing situation for me and I had to do something or I was going to end my life, there is no sugarcoating it, that is where I was at.  A year later I am a different person, my birthday is approachingon sunday, I will be 37, but my true birthday will be on may 2, that will mark one year as a vegan, it is something that has truly changed me inside and out, it has allowed me to focus what was debillitating OCD onto something constructive as opposed to destructive, it has allowed me to reclaim my physical health, 108 pounds and counting, blood pressure that is perfect, cholesterol that is perfect, and a conscience that is free of the guilt that comes with eating and wearing animals.  I have also met some very interesting people as a result of being vegan, I have developed a great friendship very quickly with this vegan farmer Andrew, he has a great philosophy and phenomenal outlook on life and he is introducing me to other vegans in the area and teaching me how to properly grow my own food, it is a great thing.  I have also returned to work, a year ago if you asked me about going back to work I would have told you it was an impossibility, today I tell you that I am working and I am doing everything I can to move ahead as quickly as possible and it already seems to be working as my hours have already increased and the feedback I am receiving is great.  I have also repaired relationships with several people, most importantly Nichole and my sister, I am not going to say more about this as they are private people but I am very thankful.  I also reached out to my former managers from Exeter Healthcare and they have been remarkably supportive and I am forever grateful to them.  I have dedicated myself to the medical marijuana movement, it has saved my life and allowed me to return to a productive and fulfilling life, the fact that this remarkable plant has not at the very least been rescheduled by the federal government is a travesty that is caused by nothing but money and corruption, the pharmaceutical industry, the murderous cancer industry, the ridiculous private prison industry, and so many more are just shaking in their boots as the will of the people is finally being heard, yesterday Maryland became the 21st state to legalize medical marijuana and there are more that are sure to follow.  I am doing my best to grow a sense of spirituality, it is something I struggle with, I feel a definite connection to something, I am just not yet sure of what it is, I have no religion and I never will, I believe in balance, that is all I can say at the moment.  I am so thankful for all the progress that I have made, for the friends that I have and for the hope that has returned to me.

 

always hope

always peace

always love

Latest comments

10.06 | 18:33

Well written and needed to be said.

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21.05 | 17:47

you are an amazing man i hope you get well my friend

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21.05 | 17:41

This is the Fred we know and love! Dad

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23.01 | 11:10

glad to see you found the page, you should check out the works of Rushdie for an especially compelling take on secularism/aetheism 4am is a thing of paradise

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