Thoughts 7/24/14

Its been an interesting week for me.  About 2 weeks ago my anxiety began to rise significantly, I have anxiety a good deal of the time but I am generally able to manage it through nutrition, walking, meditation etc, but something changed a couple of weeks ago and I began once again to have some serious anxiety attacks, most of them happened when I was either in my car or on a walk, I can tell when they are coming on and I know for the most part when I need to get away by myself.  I have also gotten pretty good at holding them off when I need to, an example would be when I can feel one coming on at work I can generally manage the symptoms enough where I don't believe it is noticeable, its not easy but its what I have to do.  I am pretty sure there are several contributing factors to this situation, the first would be that I am working again and this is significant for me, it is not easy for me to interact with people on a daily basis when it is not on my terms, when it is not my situation to control and it gets to be very overwhelming very quickly, but again I think I am managing it pretty well, granted right now I am only doing 24 hours a week and I am quite intimidated by the idea of more hours but I know realistically it is going to be a part of my future and I have to make it work.  Returning to work has also made it more difficult for me to eat in the manner I was eating in, I cant just stop in the middle of the day and cook myself some extraordinary vegan dish so I have been eating more and more gluten and it is having an effect on me, this is something I have been trying to correct the past few days, I have been trying to eat a really nutrient rich breakfast before going in and I have been trying to drink more water so that I stay hydrated.  I have some other factors going on, my dad being sick is a big one and we are going there in a couple of weeks and he has planned this big party with all the relatives, it is what he likes to do so I am just going to grin and bare it, but it is not an overly comfortable situation for me and my father has a tendency to make speeches at these events, speeches where he draws attention to people and I just don't want my name brought into anything, I just don't want to go there, and there are certain people who I just don't want to be around, but these are the waters I have to navigate.  Its been hard going to Charlestown for a while now, my grandmother Minnie is gone and I loved her so dearly, not being able to walk down and talk about what books we are reading just kills me, my father is so sick and his self control has dwindled a great deal, he says what he wants when he wants and there is no point contesting it, but I love him so I will take him how I can get him while he is here.  Anyway, the point of this whole post was my anxiety, and it has been high, but I went to the rising tide today, my absolute favorite store.  I really became a regular there right after I dropped all the medications they were a huge help to me even before I started seeing Dr. Lebro, I went in that first week when I thought I was going to die and told them flat out that I had just come off of some serious psychiatric meds and had huge anxiety issues and they were so kind to me and helpful and I have really developed a relationship with them over the past couple of years and now we trade information back and forth.  Today I was talkiing with my friend who works there and we got onto the subject of anxiety and the ways to handle it and she introduced me to the idea of kombu tea, it is made from kelp that you boil for about ten minutes until the water has reduced by half and the tea is so dense in nutrients and magnesium that it aids significantly in fighting anxiety, we also had a huge talk about sulfur which we are going to continue the next time I am there.  It is truly amazing the way you can treat these things naturally and it sickens me that people think you are nuts if you believe it.  I am hoping that this tea helps me, I just want to get back into a good headspace and be able to breathe easy again, I know I will get there it is just a difficult road.  I am lucky though, I have my amazing wife Nichole with me every step of the way and things just keep getting better and better and more amazing with us and for that I am forever thankful.

 

always hope

always peace

always love

I went to the beach today with my wife and kids and we let each of the kids bring a friend, my son brought two.  He brought the boy he has been best friends with for about 3 or 4 years, I have watched these two kids grow up together and he is a really nice kid.  He also brought another boy he has been hanging out with more and more over the past year sincce he started wrestling, the boy is his wrestling coach's son, they are incredibly nice people this boy's family.  A little backstory, my son got really frustrated last summer as he tried on several occasions to make plans with the boy he has been friends with for so long and for one reason or another they rarely got together, and this past fall and winter when they would get together for a sleepover it always had to be at this boys house and inevitably an argument would ensue and the boy would go up to his room until he got his way.  My son has changed a lot over the past year, he has grown more mature, more self aware, more motivated to better himself and this is an area where they first really started moving apart, I didn't really want to accept it at first because it really means that my son is leaving behind a part of his childhood, he is growing older and looking for a different type of friendship, I first really noticed it this may when my wife took my daughter for a sleep over at a hotel for her birthday and I had to work in the morning so we set up a sleepover with Eben and this boy and Eben just really didn't want to go, so I started asking him here and there what was up with this other boy and he rarely had much to say about him where before he always had some story to share.  It wasn't really even my son who invited this boy to the beach today, it was me, because I was worried that Eben was moving away from him and I felt bad for the boy and I almost think I made things worse for this boy today.  My son wasn't mean by any stretch of the imagination today, but there just wasn't any real sort of connection between the two and he actually ended up spending more time with my daughter in the water.  My son and the other boy walked around the beach or looked for crabs, it just became awkward.  I don't like to see anything end and I really don't like to see friendships end and I don't really think this is ending, I am sure they will always be friendly with one another, but I don't think there are going to be a lot of sleepovers in the future with this boy, my son has been sleeping over the other boy's house quite regularly the past few months and going there after school on the bus, he is there now swimming in his pool and hanging out.  I am happy that my son has a good friend but it makes me sad for the other boy, he is a really good kid, but I guess it is a part of the natural progression of things.

 

always hope

always peace

always love

I am listening to a Peter Gabriel concert on youtube right now and his voice is so beautiful and his songs so expansive that it is helping a good deal to take me out of a sad place in my head.  It is snowing here again today, we are supposed to get anywhere from 6-12 inches by the time it is done and the weather is becoming increasingly more oppressive with each day the February drags on.  My kids and Nichole are home today as school has been canceled and more than likely it will be canceled again tomorrow as the storm is supposed to go through the night into the morning and finish off with ic, so if I don't write tomorrow it is because we don't have power, just thought I would get that out there now.  37 days until Spring, I just keep counting down the days because I really cant take too much more of Winter, I haven't been this bad in years and it is making me sick.  I saw my parents yesterday afternoon, they came to take the kids out for Eben's birthday, they are such good people and I don't know why I have developed so much anxiety about our relationship lately.  My father is getting his test results on monday and you can tell he is very nervous about this, I know it sounds awful but I am trying to disconnect from that situation because I can't lose it again, not now, I have worked too hard to get where I am right now and I can't lose it again, I just know I can't handle that, not right now.  I am going to work on my book for a while, I am getting close to being done with my editing and that will feel good, I need that, I need something positive in my life.  I had a really bad moment yesterday, I scared myself, I was lucky enough to have a very dear friend talk me through it, I am lucky in that area, that I have people who care about me, don't really know how I still do after everything but I do and for that I am grateful.

 

always hope

always peace

always love

I managed to have a good day today, I worked really hard at it and kept myself occupied and motivated and I exercised and got fresh air and it all combined for a very positive day.  We took the kids sledding today and it was beautiful out, the air was crisp but not unbearable and the sun was shining bright and it felt so good to breathe it all in and watch the kids have a great time, it warms my heart to see them happy.  I even got in a sled and went down the hill and that is always just an amazing experience, there is no way you can't feel like a gian kid when you do it and to revert back to those happy moments.  When I was a kid my sister and I used to go sledding at the end of sullivan street on a hill owned by a man named Mr. Esdon, it was always a great time and we would walk home tired but happy.  As we got older my father cleared all the brush and over growth off of the hill behind our house and we used to go sledding out there, I did this right through high school with my friends we used to bring out hot chocolate with booze and dive down the hill growing warmer and warmer wih each pass.  It is weird to go out there now because there are trees that have grown where we used to sled and it just hammer home how permanent the passage of time is.  After sledding we came back to the house and I could feel myself getting agitated so I decided to take the dog for a walk and we walked as fast as we could to get the blood pumping as fast as we could, it was an exhilerating walk.  I take a shorter path when I walk with Shrek, he is old and wants a longer walk but cant really handle it, not to mention he has short fur and it is cold and you can't put any kind of covering on him because he hates how it feels and gets all crazy.  I made a point not to fill my head with thoughts or anxieties while I was walking, just to take in the beauty of the world around me, I don't walk with music, I prefer the sounds of nature, it is calming, even the sounds of passing cars is more welcome on a walk than music, I also don't bring my phone, I like to just cisconnect.  I came back from the walk feeling pretty good but I knew I needed to keep active.  I decided to get a bunch of different foods ready so they would be ready for the week.  I cut a pineapple and cubed it so the kids could have it for breakfast or a snack, I always forget how much I really enjoy pineapple it is such a sweet burst of pleasure when you pop it in your mouth.  After that I cooked some chick peas, I have been buying the dried chick peas, the brand I buy are picked outside the US and are non GMO, the dried beans are just a better product too, I usually soak them over night and then cook them but today I just cooked them from dry, it takes a bit longer, nearly an hour, but it works just about the same.  I also cooked off some jasmine rice, I also get this from a source outside the US so it is non GMO, if you get rice grown in the US make sure it is organic.  I use Jasmine rice in everything, I have gotten off of my tofu kick lately and I have been eating a lot more beans, this past week I ate an entire bag of black beans and an entire bag of chickpeas, I prepare them in a skillet with rice and mushrooms, and kale and broccoli and different herbs depending on how I feel during the day but I alsways add cayenne because you need that kick and it is so good for you.  I roasted some beets, I had some in a wrap the other day, and though it was an odd combination of mushroom and beets and didn't work as a whole I really enjoyed the beets, I go through phases with beets but I have been in the mood lately.  I cut off the ends and roast them in the oven, sometimes I wrap them in foil other times I roast them in a pan with foil over them either way is good but I always roast them because they get so much sweeter and richer this way.  After you roast them the skin just falls right off.  I cubed them up and stored them in the fridge and made a peanut sauce to go on them and stored that in the fridge as well.  I love peanut sauce and I make it so many different ways, today I used peanut buter, rice vinegar, sesame oil, fresh garlic and fresh ginger, soy sauce, brown sugar, make sure it is vegan otherwise it is filtered through animal bones, same goes for regular sugar, any white refined sugar produced and distributed in the united states is filtered through animal bones, and srirache, I just put it in the blend and mix it all up.  So good.  It alsways feels good to cook, to jus lose myself in the process and think about nothing else but what needs to be done.  I made nachos tonight for dinner, daiya makes a delicious vegan cheddar cheese that melts and stretches, it is actually the only brand of vegan cheeze I like, I rather enjoy making my own with cashews and almonds, the nachos also had black beans and recip crumbles, from boca so they are vegan and though you shouldn't eat processed faux meat products all the time they are a good source of B12, jalapenos were also a part of the dish, the hotter the better, and carmelized onions with guacamole and salsa on the side.  I am reading The World According To Monsanto right now so I am becoming even more militant in my anti GMO stance, it is an incredible and necessary read and really makes me even more skeptical of the FDA and CDC, a deep loathing for both of them exist inside of me as a result of the reseach I have done ovarious topics from psychiatric medication, cancer care, and AIDS, they are nothing more than government groups that make it easier for big business to kill you.  This book is an eye opener written by a French woman by the name of Marie Monique Robins, the statistics will just blow your mind as will the very well documented injustices and outright crimes this company has been allowed to get away with.  I am listening to an Arcade Fire concert right now on youtube, such an amazing band, Wake Up is a favorite of mine and there is a performance on youtube that they did with David Bowie that is just jaw droppingly amazing.  I spent the entire summer of 1998 listening to nothing but David Bowie and the man is nothing short of a genius, I went through an interesting period that year, and the late part of 97, I really got into the whole glam rock thing for a while but I was also entranced by the new york scene as well with the likes of Warhol, Basquiat, Lou Reed and The Velvet Underground.  So many memories and emotions from that period, but it is all amazing music.  Bowie, Reed, two giants, only one of them left nowstill sad about that.  I was spending a lot of time with my friend Forest then and just hanging out listening to good music and talking about things like art and literature and cinema and just feeling good, he was such a genuine and extraordinary guy, not really anyone else like him in this world.  Anyway I need to be going, I am starting to lose steam here but I just wanted to let you know that it ended up being a good day.

 

always hope

always peace

always love

I am really working hard to try and have a good day today, I really need it, but I woke up and I am just filled with self loathing and anxiety.  Let's try to concentrate on the good stuff for a moment in an effort to get my head back into a safe place.  I finished the rewrite and expansion of my book yesterday and began the editing process, I have told myself that I will not change anything structurally this time, or add anything more on, this is the trap I fall into with everything that I write, I just keep changing it and changing it until I grow frustrated and tired with it and throw it aside, I can't do it this time, I need to finish something, to accomplish something.  It is very difficult to feel good about yourself when every moment of your day you feel like you are a burden and living a pointless existence and that is the mind space I am in at the moment and it is making it very hard to lift myself out of depression.  I also decided to eliminate the poetry element from my book, as a result I have 48 pages of poetry that I wrote and edited this summer that I will be posting here on the site, I started yesterday with the poem Skin.  I am growing more and more angry with myself as time passes, every time I feel sick or my neck hurts or I get emotional or have an anxiety attack or slip into deep depression I hate myself a little more.  I can't believe how stupid I was to ever start taking that medication, I can't believe I let myself fall apart the way I did.  I am deeply ashamed, I keep thinking about how many people saw me with scabs and cuts all over my face and body and when I think of it I cringe, I shut down and I can't breathe.  I haven't been this depressed in a long time and it scares me because my thoughts keep going dark and desperate and I get ideas that I never wanted to get again.  I really need to see Dr. Griffith next week, I really need to talk to someone, I don't feel well and it just keeps getting worse, I just feel more and more unstable and it is a scary, scary thing.  It's snowing here today, we are supposed to get a foot of snow and as it piles up I feel more and more closed in, I went out to shovel this morning and fell down again, I feel like such an idiot, such a fool, not that it matters.  I'm sorry, I need to stop doing this, I need to stop coming on here and just unloading my head but it's why I started this page in the first place I guess.  At least I am not alone today, Nichole and the kids are here and that is always a good thing, I just hope I can keep myself together while they are here, I don't want anyone to get mad at me, I can't handle that right now.  I did yoga this morning, luckily I memorized the routine that was taken off of Comcast and I can do the whole thing without any instruction, I guess there is at least one thing that I am capable of.  Alright, I have to go, I am just making it worse.

 

always hope

always peace

always love

Latest comments

10.06 | 18:33

Well written and needed to be said.

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21.05 | 17:47

you are an amazing man i hope you get well my friend

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21.05 | 17:41

This is the Fred we know and love! Dad

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23.01 | 11:10

glad to see you found the page, you should check out the works of Rushdie for an especially compelling take on secularism/aetheism 4am is a thing of paradise

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