Tired but Good 8/22/14

I have the house to myself at the moment, I worked this morning and came home and Eben was getting ready to go fishing with his best friend and Nichole and Vina were getting ready to go school shopping.  I did up the dishes and the laundry and ran an errand I had been putting off for too long and now I finally get to sit down in peace and do some relaxation with a big old mug of chaga.  I am enjoying the quiet and the peace but I am actually missing Nichole and the kids as well but every now and then it is good to have a bit of peace and a moment where you can gather your thoughtt.  I have been reading a great book for the past week called Eating On The Wildside, The Missing Link to Optimum Health, and I am learning a great deal from it in regards to how to get optimum nutrition andhealth benefits out of the foods I eat.  My wife goes back to work in less than a week and my kids in just over a week, it is always sad when summer comes to an end, especially as your kids get older and you start to realize just how little time you actually get with them.  It has been a great summer though and even the kids have said it, my son shouted it at the top of his lungs the other day on the tea cups ride at the amusement park and that is a great feeling.  I am so proud of my kids, my son is really becoming an amazing guy, he has found some really great friends who are motivated and positive and choose to engage in things, last year you wouldn't have found him out fishing with a friend, he has changed considerably and I think that wrestling has had a lot to do with it, I am warming to some of the people involved, especially his coaches, they are genuinely nice people, and he has really built up his confidence, he couldn't be more different from me if he tried but I think its great.  My daughter has grown a lot as well, she has really developed a couple of deep friendships, again a year ago was a different story altogether, and she has begun to take a real interest in things, writing, drawing, doing her nails, etc. it is just so cool to watch your kids grow and change and I am here for it now and I am so thankful that I woke up before I missed too much.  I am proud of myself as well, I am focusing more and more becoming a better person, making sure that my actions have positive outcomes and trying to stay in the moment, I keep working towards obtaining great physical and mental health and I have returned to work where I really feel like I am well liked and thriving professionally.  I am also proud of my continued devotion to veganism and a holistic lifestyle, for me to go over a year without any sort of medication is a huge accomplishment, I was a drug addict for the longest time, and for me to not only commit myself to a lifestyle change like veganism but only dive further and further in a year and half later is a huge deal for me, but I feel like a different person and every moment of every day gives me more and more hope that things are only going to get better.  I hope that everyone is well today.

 

always hope

always peace

always love

So this morning started out bad, the website was down which made me completely neurotic and then when it finally came back up my password had changed, which made me even more neurotic.  I went for a walk, which always makes me feel better, and I ran into a woman I have seen on my walks for over a year who gave me a huge compliment on how I look which just boosted my spirits and then I came back and managed to finally get into the page and now I am doing much better.  I had a really interesting conversation at work yesterday with our new baker, she is right around my age and her cousin is apparently having some issues with addiction, and we talked about overcoming addiction and how addiction is a choice, not a disease, and this is something I stand by and will argue until the day I die.  I really feel that by playing it up as a disease we are doing nothing but perpetuating it, making it okay to have an addiction because we are saying there is nothing that can be done about it except treating it like a disease and that is not the case, you can make a change, a dramatic change and you can get better.  Yes withdrawals suck, and they are painful and they are dangerous, but you made the choice in the first place to get into the situation you did, and I know this because I have been addicted to so many things over the course of this life and each and every time I made the initial choice to begin taking or using whatever it was I became addicted to, and you have to face them, you have to go through the withdrawals, but you can do it, you can get through them if you want to and there is a way to do it, you need to flush all the shit out of your body.  You can't just stop taking the drug or whatever it is you are addicted to, you need to boost your immune system, begin eating in a healthy manner, exercise, drink water, cleanse, fight it with everything you have, throw as much effort into kicking the habit as you have thrown into continuing the habit and you will succeed.  I am amazed at myself, for years I listened to the whole addiction is a disease argument, I listened to people make excuses for me and I accepted them, I accepted lower doses and transitions and all that did was feed it, when I finally broke free it was because I made the choice to listen to myself and to not eat a line of bullshit.  I am feeling strong today, yest it is up and down, yes there are a lot of moments of doubt and depression, but there are also a lot of moments of triumph and that feels better than any drug could ever make me feel.

 

always hope

always love

always peace

It is the last day of July and the weather is beautiful, I am in a very good place this morning, feeling strong and balanced, I just finished my first 40 hour work week in several years and granted I was exhausted last night but it felt very good to know that I could do it.  I went for a very long walk this morning and managed to keep my emotions in check and my thoughts in a good place and that is dramatically different than recent walks on recent days.  I really feel like intellectually I am finally firing on all cylinders, I can concentrate and I can think clearly, I am about to finish reading my second book in as many months and that feels good because for the longest time I couldn't bring myself to read, there was the overwhelming feeling of guilt about having the time to read iinstead of working.  Work has been challenging but good, I am beginning to get a grasp on how to control myself in the work environment, it helps that I work with really good people who don't seem to want to create a competitive environment.  I really think the kombu tea has been helping me to balance out my thoughts and emotions and I have also been using the kala namak, black himalayan salt, it has a high sulfur content and sulfur is a key nutrient that so many of us are lacking in and it makes a huge difference once you start getting enough.  I have set a new goal for myself now, I have lost a significant amount of weight, 120 pounds, and I have a lot of flab now that I want to take care of so my new goal is to join the gym at the end of my son's football season, he is going to join with me, I want to develop a six pack over the winter and then next summer I want to be able to go to the beach without a shirt on, it has been at least 25 years since I have been outside without a shirt, perhaps even longer, I know it sounds like a rather vain idea but it is important to me, it is just another step in my transformation and one that I have every intention of accomplishing.  I have today and tomorrow off and I plan to just relax as I am about to go into a very busy week that I really need to be ready for, I have to work saturday, sunday and monday, I am taking tuesday for mself and then wednesday I am heading to my parents house for two nights. Its all good though, its all good.

 

always hope

always peace

always love

Its really foggy here this morning and the house is quiet except for the sound of the dryer tumbling my clothes in the basement, Nichole and the kids are still in bed but I am awake, my body gets up routinely at about 630 now, a far cry from the days when I would get up around 3 for work and an even further cry from the days when I was batshit crazy getting up at 230 in the morning to try and write my wait out of a breakdown.  I have never been a late sleeper and the days where I have slept late I have always felt like I had to run around the rest of the day to make up for lost time.  I have to work at 11 today but then I have tomorrow off and tomorrow is supposed to be beautiful, 78 and pure sun and I am looking quite forward to it.  I started reading a book yesterday, I recently read The Ocean At The End Of The Lane by Neil Gaiman and it was good but I couldn't help but find it disappointing because I had heard so many people talk about how great it was.  I am reading Christopher Hitchens again, I haven't read any of his work since the winter of 2013 when I was detoxing, I was very nervous to start reading him again as I feared it might be a trigger for me but it seems to be going fine and I am quite enjoying the book, it is called The Missionar Position and it is an examination of the life and work of Mother Theresa, lets just say he was not a big fan.  It feels good to be reading again, I had a really hard time this past fall and winter reading anything, I started about a hundred books only to not finish them, I was just at a really bad place and reading wasn't really an option for me, but now I have crossed that line by finishing the Gaiman book and I feel I am back on track, I love to read, to lose myself in thought and to gather knowledge.  I am also reading a script that my good friend Justin sent to me and that is an engaging activity I am supposed to give him feedback by wednesday or thursday.  I woke up with a headache this morning, its been a while since that happened and I know it is anxiety related, I had a good day yesterday in regards to anxiety but in the evening it began to creep back in and it invaded my dreams, something that has been happening more and more lately, I have been trying to be conservative on the oil lately as I didn't want to have to go back to Portland for a couple of weeks but I am almost out and will probably have to go back in the next week.  I know it sounds foolish but my anxiety has also been increased because of a strike at our regular grocery store, my food is very important to me, it is basically my medication, I control everything with food, and for the past week and a hald the grocery store that we shop at regularyl has been engaged in a huge labor strike and we have not been able to shop there, I had to grocery shop on friday and it was a nightmare, three diferent stores, extra money, couldn't find everything I needed, it is just another stone on top of the pile and I am ready for the strike to be over and for things to go back to normal.  On a good note, I feel like I am doing really well at my job, it is difficult to keep everything in perspective while I am there and to keep myself in check, I find myself becoming obsessive quite a bit and when it happens I just shut myself down and focus on whatever task I can find, but I am building some good relationships and I have received some very positive feedback so that feels good, but by the end of my three days in a row I am just exhausted and last week and this week I have an extra shift on wednesday but I am making the best of it.  I also found out that my son's first football game this year is late enough in the day and local enough that I will be able to go when I get out of work and I am really relieved to learn this because I was extremely anxious over missing it and having a hard time not getting depressed about it, but its all good now and I look forward to watching him, he is just an incredible kid, as is my daughter, and he really loves sports and being with his friends, not really sure where he gets that from but its all good.  I think thats going to be it this morning, I have some stuff to do and I wanted to go for a walk before it started raining.  I hope you all are well.

 

always hope

always peace

always love

Shedding this skin, couldn’t cut it away, couldn’t scratch it away, but I am shedding this skin

Shedding this skin, that has kept me trapped deep inside, locked away behind heavy doors and always at guard

Shedding this skin, before it has a chance to consume me, to devour me, or swallow me whole

Shedding this skin, I will no longer be divided or live as the conquered, I choose to fight back, I choose to survive

Shedding this skin, and the memories that have left me and are leaving me now, I sweep them away, the dust of dead cells

Shedding this skin, can’t seem to forget, each wound a little deeper, the flesh sliced, torn and raw

Shedding this skin, when the memories come back they burn me like fire, I close my eyes to try and get away but they only burn brighter

Shedding this skin, and I follow the line now like a map carved in flesh, memories cut deep into the canvas of my arms, legs and chest

Shedding this skin, the lines darken as they age, as my body shrinks, and they taunt me in the mirror with their threats of the past

Shedding this skin, unearthing the thoughts buried deep inside, they hang from my bones and I must expel them now

Shedding this skin, because claws and bones never seemed to work and the pain was too much to go any further

Shedding this skin, because the time is upon, the past is an egg, and its broken now you see, it’s time to move on, time to grab a new one

Latest comments

10.06 | 18:33

Well written and needed to be said.

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21.05 | 17:47

you are an amazing man i hope you get well my friend

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21.05 | 17:41

This is the Fred we know and love! Dad

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23.01 | 11:10

glad to see you found the page, you should check out the works of Rushdie for an especially compelling take on secularism/aetheism 4am is a thing of paradise

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