Something New 10/30/14

I am trying something new today and I am really hoping that it works for me, for the first time in a very long time I am trying to control my anxiety and all of my OCD issues, PTSD issues, etc. without any sort of mind altering substance, I am doing everything in my power today to make it through the day without having to use cannabis, I need to do this for me, it is really the last step in my complete transformation, and I think it might prove to be the most difficult.  I find a great deal of relief with the cannabis but I also worry that it might be somewhat of a crutch for me now, I am not saying I won't use it if I feel like I need it, if I feel like I am losing control or something like that, I would never risk my recovery just to prove a point, but I feel like I can do this, like I have let go of a lot of other things and I feel like maybe the time is right.  It is something I have been thinking a great deal about lately, I have been trying really hard to follow all of the buddhist principles and one of the most important is to not alter the mind in any sort of way, to achieve your peace through meditation and reflection and that is what I am aiming for.  Its not going to be easy and I know this, today has already been difficult, the hours have passed very slowly and I have had to fight off the urge repeatedly to just lose myself and come up with an excuse, but I am putting anything and everything into being successful in this last leg of my journey.  I got a nice compliment in the guestbook today and that felt great, I love getting feedback, good and bad and I hope this page is helping someone to deal with something, we all have our issues and our own way of dealing with them, this is my way and if I can help others find their way then so be it.  I am reminded now of those first days when I let go of the medications, I know this won't be as bad, their are no physical withdrawals with marijuana, but their is the emotional attachment, the sense of security that tells me that when things get bad I can make them stop, but now I just need to find different ways to do that.  I am going to cleanse over the next few days as I have found that to be very effective in helping me overcome any sort of thing that is plaguing me or taunting me, and yes it is taunting me because again it is that sense of security of knoowing that I can dull my mind and not have to think about the things I don't want to think about, but sometimes you just have to think about those things and sometimes you just need to find a new way to be at peace with them and I have come to that moment where that is what I need.  Wish me luck.

 

always hope

always peace

always love

Inspiration, that is never a word I would have thought would be applied to me, I just never would have considered myself to be that in any way shape or form.  Today my doctor told me I was an inspiration to her, I don't even know how to describe what that feels like.  Over the summer my children told me I was an inspiration to them, that was even more amazing, but in a different way.  I had my first appointment in six months today and there were a lot of nerves going into it, a lot, things have been very up and down lately, and my back is screwed up, but the weird thing is that I am pulling through in a way that I never would have before, I am finding ways to deal with things instead of running away from them, I am facing things and moving forward and I am taking every step I can to make sure I am never the person I was before ever again, that person doesn't exist anymore.  I talked very openly with my doctor about what has been going on and how I am probably going to call Dr. Griffith just because I can tell that I am getting to that point where I need to talk about a few things so they don't get to be something I can't handle.  We talked about panic attacks and flashbacks and things like that, and never once was an offer made for medication or a push for anything like that, I have an extraordinary doctor who embraces alternatives and cares about my health and I hope everyone is this lucky.  My blood pressure was perfect, even with the pain in my back, and even withoout a supplement to balance it out, it has been a year since I have taken carditone, my weight has reached the point where it has been deemed perfect, I don't need to lose anymore she said, and I am taking those words to hear, I am going to make those words mean something in my head, we talked about the road ahead and how I am going to keep moving forward, I have another appointment in six months and I am determined to make it a good one.  The winter is coming and as much as I am worried about the depression and the anxiety, I am also ready to do everything in my power to fight it and not let it get the best of me this year.  My back is getting better, today is not nearly as bad as yesterday, probably because I haven't done as much, I had my appointment, went to portlan and cleaned the house and now I am just relaxing, taking it easy, letting things fall into place and it is a good thing.  I need to be well.  I also started taking turmeric supplements again yesterday for the pain, they contain black pepper for better absorption, and they have helped me siginificantly, I also was lucky enough to have my friend at the rising tide hook me up with several magnesium creams and sprays for my back that have helped a great deal, it still hurts but I will get through it and I am not going to let it get me down.  The next few weeks are going to be really fun, my kids athletic seasons come to a close in just over a week and I actually get to go to the last two games and then halloween is upon us, we are having two parties this year because the kids age groups are so different and I want it to be special for both of them.  I hope all of you are well today, in good places emotionally and physically.

 

always hope

always peace

always love

Last night was one of those nights where I couldn't shut my brain down and all of thoughts ended up being stuck in the past and soaked in regret, thoughts of all that I threw away, thoughts of cuts that I made and rooms that I made them in and thoughts of things that I said that just don't go away.  I am trying this morning to reset, I am trying to get back into a good place a proper mindset to make it through the day and turn it into something positive.  I am going to go for a walk this morning and I am going to do my best to not obsess, I got really bad yesterday afternoon and read into things last night that didn't need to be read into and that just put me in a bad place.  I have a lot of thoughts still raging through my head this morning, they haunted me in my sleep last night, something that hasn't happened in a long time but something I don't want to start to have happen again.  I am going to eat clean today, I had a lot of starch and gluten yesterday and not a lot of fresh vegetable, I am going to change that today, I also need to take my supplements, something I once again forgot yesterday and that was probably the first step in my day going downhill.  I have the next four days off after today, both a good and a bad thing, I don't want to lose myself in nothingness because that is when the negativity turns on in my head.  That is all for this morning.

 

always hope

always peace

always love

I know I've written about it before, but music played a huge part in my recovery and certain songs just bring me back to those early days of the process.  I listened to Exhale (shoop shoop) this morning and I was right back in december 2012, those moments where I was waking up to the world around me and the light looked so different and everything hurt and then I heard the lumineers hey ho and it brought tears to my eyes.  I remember listening to that song in january 2013, when no one was talking to me and the world seemed so empty and unforgiving and just really connecting with the words and themes of the song.  I listened to another whitney song, I look to you and for me it really just hit home, we lost her in the midst of my self destruction and I just really connect with the feelings in that song and I am so glad I didn't go out the same way she did.  I am happy to say that it has been a good morning for me so far, I already cleaned the house and I have no real plans for the rest of the day and I am more than happy about that as I need to just chill out and rest my back, I screwed it up the other day and I am doing everything in my power to get it back to where it was, its funny my sister just asked me about my back a couple of weeks ago and at the time I hadn't had any issues with it in well over a year, and I told her that the problem was gone, well it has been back quite forcefully the past few days and I need it to go away again.  I have decided to just move on from the issue with my mother, not to hold a grudge, its not worth it, time is precious and I just can't do that to her.  I received a message yesterday about my 20 year high school reunion and I have decided not to go, the past is the past and I have no need to reconnect with people, its just not a place I want to go to, not now anyway, maybe the thirty year reunion, I hope everyone is well today.

 

always hope

always peace

always love

I have today off and that is a very good thing, I was actually asked to work this morning and I had to say no, too much going on today, two different appointments and I need a day just to myself and now there may actually be something wrong with my daughter's leg after an injury she sustained this weekend.  I had a bit of a rough afternoon yesterday, my day was good until I received an email from my mother who decided to scold me like I was ten for watching horror movies, it wasn't that part that bothered me so much as she told me that I was setting a bad example for my children by doing so and that I instead should be helping my wife.  It was all a bit much.  I tried to not be too reactionary but I did tell her that in the future I would appreciate it if she did not judge me, not a lot I can do about it and I need to just let things go but it really got to me because all I do, everything I do, is in order to set an example for my children of how to live a happy and healthy life so to have that called into question because on my day off when no one is home I choose to watch a horror film at the age of 37 just didn't sit well with me.  It made me very obsessive last night and I became very internalized and festered on it throughout the evening and into the present, I am now doing my best to let it go.  I am going to try and accomplish a few things today, but I am also going to try and take it a little easy, I have today and tomoorrow off and then I go back to work on saturday and I have a feeling that next week I am going to end up with some extra shifts which is good with me, I prefer to be working more hours but I just wish that they were scheduled hours so I can plan around them but I can't complain, I am employed and that is what matters.  I hope that everyone is well this morning.

 

always hope

always peace

always love

Latest comments

10.06 | 18:33

Well written and needed to be said.

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21.05 | 17:47

you are an amazing man i hope you get well my friend

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21.05 | 17:41

This is the Fred we know and love! Dad

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23.01 | 11:10

glad to see you found the page, you should check out the works of Rushdie for an especially compelling take on secularism/aetheism 4am is a thing of paradise

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